#200 A History of Football in 100 Objects (2012)

Author: Gavin Mortimer
Title: A History of Football in 100 Objects
Genre: Sport History
Year: 2012
Pages: 290
Origin: bought from Truro Waterstones
Nod Rating: 1 nod out of 5

Telling a history of a particular event, country or thing within the space of one-hundred objects has become all the rage in recent years. It was fantastically executed in the BBC Radio 4 series A History of the World in 100 Objects; and less tremendously so here in this book, Gavin Mortimer’s A History of Football in 100 Objects.

Mortimer is a nice enough (if sometimes annoying in his desperate attempt to please) host in this journey through one-hundred objects. However, there are many annoying features. Many of the objects hold a rather tenuous link with the actual related article (such as a loaf of bread or a cone of chips), whilst much of the text reads as a glorified Wikipedia article – a few dates, key people but lacking in engaging commentary. However, Mortimer must be applauded for his attempts to give a true span of history of the sport, with many objects located in the Victorian era. This may come as a surprise for many fans who believe that football was invented in the 1990s when the Premier League (copyrighted the “World’s best league”) was created.

A History of Football in 100 Objects is perfect Christmas stocking-filler material; the present fodder for family/friends/acquaintances (delete where appropriate) who you may no longer care about as you once did, but whom you still recall having a fascination for good ole’ “footie”. Beyond that, it will be surprising to see Mortimer’s book on the shelves of good book-stores within a couple of years. As for the Worm’s copy, the Oxfam-destined box awaits.

Yes, it is agreed that this is a different approach to the history of football; but it is a shame that this sport has so few quality writers able to tell a narrative that engages and fulfils serious readers.


Buy it here

#199 The Price of Everything (1994)

Author: Andrew Motion
Title: The Price of Everything
Genre: Poetry
Year: 1994
Pages: 100 pages
Origin: a tried and trusted library book
Nod Rating: 4 nods out of 5

Following in the footsteps of a review of Britain’s current poet laureate – Carol Ann Duffy – the Worm had a masterful idea of completing a tour back into time through all of the poet laureate’s that this island has had to offer. Of course, the Worm – in his blessed ignorance – was not to know that the position harks back to medieval England under the grand sounding title versificator regis (one of whom was Geoffrey Chaucer). The Worm has much work to do!

Next on this travel through time is Andrew Motion, the country’s poet laureate from 1999 to 2009 (the first not to die or be removed from the post). The collection under consideration in this review – The Price of Everything – was published five years before the bestowal of the laureate position, when Motion was a man just into his early forties.

The collection contains two long poems: ‘Lines of Desire’ and ‘Joe Soap’. As Motion states in the collection’s introduction, ‘both the poems in this book are about various kinds of conflict, and both take the First World War as their starting point’.

‘Lines of Desire’ consists of smaller segments: ‘A Dream of Peace’ (‘What should I die for? / Answer me that’); ‘Money Singing’ (‘Money is getting noisier… Money is getting taller… Money is getting long-faced… Money is getting ambitious’); ‘A Modern Ecstasy’; and ‘Lines of Desire’. Motion revisits the theme of apathy and lack of connection with the larger world concerns; he can simply ‘press the button’ or ‘change the channel’ at the sight of tanks, of soldiers standing in the desert, and of shouts – ‘it means nothing to me’.

Of the two, ‘Joe Soap’ is the greater and more ambitious poem. It is a combination of rhyme, of longer prose, of news reports, of thoughts and of political motive all woven together. It follows the character Joe Soap, who is everywhere and everyone: a man who is reborn in different times and locations throughout the twentieth century. As popularly known, “Joe Soap” is British slang noting a foolish scapegoat (‘soap’ rhyming with ‘dope’); its influence as a First World War song – ‘Joe Soap’s Army’ – is a clearly shown on Motion’s poem.

‘Forward, Joe Soap’s army
Marching without fear
With our brave commander
Safely in the rear’.

Motion’s use of the term is an everyman of life, akin to the name and usage of ‘Joe Bloggs’ in today’s society. As such, we witness the falling to earth of Motion’s Joe Soap several times during the course of the poem, beginning in 1918 and a police report concerning the suspicious death of Joe’s friend, Captain Atkins. Joe returns to the front-line before dying in action: ‘Nothing remained of Joe Soap. He had been on the earth, and then he was not on the earth. He had been a person, then he was no longer a person’. Yet he returns; not as Joe but as Joanna in 1930s Germany:

‘I first fell to earth
A whole sea and half a continent away from the country of my birth.’

And later returns back as ‘plain Joe’ many ‘thousands of miles east and a few thousand more south’. Here, a man gathering oil, he notices the transformation of the planet:

‘There used to be silence stretching all the way up to the sun;
Now there are pumps squeaking, and builders yelling orders:
Wherever next in the world,
And when?

There used to be high valleys even the birds said no to;
Now there are signposts, and a price for every grain of sand:
Wherever next in the world,
And when?

There used to be me alone, lighting a match in the dark;
Now there are flames, and a view into infinite space:
Wherever next in the world,
And when?’

The last time he falls to earth he is ‘sent out to die in some shit-hole basement lair. Don’t say you don’t know what I mean. You’ve seen me there.’ Throughout it all the Joe Soaps (and Joanna) are used for the bidding of others; Motion is ambiguous about this force, but it could be deemed the industrialisation and “progress” of mankind. That this “progress” is blind is a cause for concern, with a warning sounded out for the eventual destination of those on this planet.

The Price of Everything shows a poet in good form. Although the poems may be confusing due to a dream-like narrative, at no point do they disappoint the reader. Meaning can be induced, but only for those who are patient enough to stay the course.

Buy it here

#198 The Avengers Prelude: Fury's Big Week (2012)

Authors: Christopher Yost, Eric Pearson, Luke Ross, Daniel HDR
Title: The Avengers Prelude: Fury’s Big Week
Genre: Graphic Novel
Year: 2012
Pages: 100
Origin: Read online during Xmas 2012
Nod Rating: 1 nod out of 5

2012 was the year Marvel cleaned up at the box-office. Their block-buster of a film – The Avengers (or, as rather cumbersomely marketed in the UK as Marvel’s Avengers Assemble) – saw on-screen action of what Stan Lee once billed, “The Earth’s mightiest heroes.” Its success appears to have changed the formula of “franchise” (and the Worm squirms at typing such a word) movies in Hollywood: now the likes of DC and the new owners of the Star Wars brand are frothing at the mouth and rubbing their hands together in the hope of repeating such success.

2012 was also the year of a little known cash-in (ahem, the Worm means tie-in) comic book series: Fury’s Big Week (or, again, to give a rather cumbersome title: Marvel’s The Avengers Preludes: Fury’s Big Week). Printed to prepare fans for the forthcoming movie, its few issues saw a story set within the film-time-line between Iron Man 2 and The Avengers in what is now widely known as the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The series follows the adventures of Captain Nick Fury (that’s Samuel L. Jackson to those who have watched the films) and his number two, Agent Coulson. The pair put out the fires and dampen the mayhem caused by the marauding heroes, in the hope of tying up loose ends for eager, panting fans. However, a major problem cannot be overcome: the reader who wants to find out more of their comic book heroes is subjected to the administrative process of clearing up their mess. Therefore, there is little consequential action. Furthermore, for anoraks the process can be rendered null and void by the film studio simply ignoring such material; all of which renders the comic series rather pointless. Pointless, that is, apart from stuffing the already overflowing pockets of Marvel studios.

Yes, it is simply a movie tie-in; there to make money, rather than entertain. All of which is a shame, as there was the opportunity to make a bigger, longer lasting impact. For a start, the predictable plot and uninspired dialogue could have been erased and replaced with something that enthused and got a Marvel-fan on the edge of their comic-reading seats. Of course, such a route may have meant a different team given more time to create.

One Marvel website notes how the series is ‘punchy, suspenseful and funny’; all of which is a rather large lie. It is none of these things, and therefore is a comic book run best left well alone. For fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe, please await the next instalment in this “franchise” to get your kicks. The wait will be worth it.

Buy it here

#197 English Language For Beginners (1998)

Author: Michelle Lowe & Ben Graham
Title: English Language For Beginners
Genre: Language
Year: 1998
Pages: 200
Origin: a tried and trusted library book
Nod Rating: 3 nods out of 5

‘Language is the dress of thought’, once wrote Samuel Johnson. He was true – but yet, it is much more than that. Language is power; language is beauty; language can be all things to all people. What better for those interested than a book on its origins, its uses, its abuses and its ability to change and yet remain the same.

The Worm has earlier experience of the ‘For Beginners’ series in the form of The Holocaust For Beginners book; reviewed back in November 2011 (read it here). It is an intriguing series, dealing with themes ranging from African history to marital arts, from Marilyn Monroe to Freud. They add a great deal of theory and research, couching them in accessible bite-sized chunks and illustration: a lesson with both humour and heart.

English Language For Beginners – put together by Michelle Lowe and Ben Graham – splits the book into four sections. There is ‘History’ that concentrates on the origins of language, the development of the English language and of the study of Linguistics; ‘Child Language Acquisition’, which concerns itself with the developmental stages (and the providing of the story of Genie); the sobering ‘Sex and Power’ with its emphasis on the bias in speech; before ending on ‘Variety and Change’ and how change itself does not necessarily spell the end of language.

The section on Sex and Power is of particular interest, with a balanced approach taken to the possible abuses of English language. There is no agenda, but rather an enlightened awareness. Take, as a brief example, the words used to describe ‘womanly’: weakness, feebleness, debility and impotence; whilst ‘manliness’ is listed as courage, moral fibre and heroism. Furthermore, the authors are keen to note the prejudice of those in the western world and those of white skin. It backs up the words of influential writer Angela Carter: ‘Language is power, life and the instrument of culture, the instrument of domination and liberation.’ Writers as a whole, from Johnson to Orwell to the present day are clear on its potency.

On a whole, the book provides fresh insight at best, and an interesting distraction at worst. Admittedly, the book serves only as an introduction to this area – but the topics raised and the possible routes forward make this book (and series as a whole) not merely one that briefly covers the key points, but rather a book that engages the reader fully. The Worm, for one, is happy that this series exists; a copy on the bookshelf is surely a healthy sign of a good person to have a coffee with.


Buy it here

* On Amazon, one of the authors (Ben Graham) commented that the book is currently out of print. If publishers are interested – and have any sense - in re-publishing the book, then to get in touch (bensspambox@hotmail.com).

#196 Ward No.6 (1892)

Author: Anton Chekhov
Title: Ward No. 6 / Ward Number Six
Genre: Short Story
Year: 1892
Pages: 60
Origin: read on the Short Stories app
Nod Rating: 4 nods out of 5

Life is a vexatious trap; when a thinking man reaches maturity and attains to full consciousness he cannot help feeling that he is in a trap from which there is no escape.
Anton Chekov – Ward No.6 (1892)

Like many nineteenth-century Russian writers, Anton Chekhov was a master in examining the above mentioned “trap” of the human mind and condition. Although primarily a playwright, his short story – Ward No.6 – is widely celebrated. A man of many talents – including being a practicing physician – he once remarked: ‘Medicine is my lawful wife and literature is my mistress.’

Ward No. 6 (also spelt Ward Number Six in many publications) centres on a lunatic asylum in a rural, provincial hospital; in which Chekhov writes that ‘probably no other place is life so monotonous as in this ward’. There are few inmates, including the quarrelsome Ivan Dmitritch, the thuggish porter Nikita, and the Jew Moiseka, ‘a peasant so rolling in fat that he is almost spherical, with a blankly stupid face, utterly devoid of thought. This is a motionless, gluttonous, unclean animal who has long ago lost all powers of thought or feeling’.

Having briefly outlined these characters, the story focuses on the doctor, Andrei Yefimich: a man who spends half his salary on books, and worries about his purpose at the hospital. He has little affection for the dull town in which he lives, spending his time slowly reading the pages of his books and discussing matters with his supercilious friend Mihail Averyanitch. However, his attitudes change having engaged the inmate Ivan Dmitritch in conversation, leading his eventual removal from his post as doctor.

Yefimich ends up without a job and in debt, becoming all the more isolated from the world around him and the futility of life. He begins to think that all is ‘trivial and nonsense’, realising that all will:

‘sooner or later perish without leaving any trace on the world. If one imagined some spirit flying by the earthly globe in space in a million years he would see nothing but clay and bare rocks. Everything – culture and the moral law – would pass away and not even a burdock would grow out of them.’

Those around him – including his friend and replacement doctor – believe him to be insane. But the doctor asks himself: ‘Which of us is the madman?’ for not wishing to be a part of society’s rules and regulations. All of which consigns him to become an inmate of Ward No.6, where he suffers a savage and beating at the hands of the porter, before accepting his ‘Hamlet-like dread of death’ and seeing a vision of ‘a herd of deer, extraordinarily beautiful and graceful’.

Like many Russian novels and stories of the nineteenth-century, Ward No.6 carries an implicit message about the state of Russian society as a whole. It is a path well trodden by earlier writers, including the likes of Turgenev and Chernyshevsky; who used fiction as a well to veil their attacks and commentary to avoid being targeted by the authorities in Tsarist Russia. The character Ivan Dmitritch best fits the political soap-box mode:

‘Yes, I am ill. But you know dozens, hundreds of madmen are walking about in freedom because your ignorance is incapable of distinguishing them from the sane. Why am I and these poor wretches to be shut up here like scapegoats for all the rest?’

Other connections to Russian literature abound, including fear of death (Tolstoy), as well as a seemingly unhealthy obsession with the look of coats and jackets (including Gogol’s influential short story The Overcoat).

Literature may have been Chekhov’s mistress; but it was a mistress he loved well. Ward No.6 is a strong, descriptive story – and a story that has hidden depths for any reader willing to enter its world.

Further Reading
Read it here
Buy it here

#195 Henry VII (1972)

Author: S.B. Chrimes
Title: Henry VII
Genre: History
Year: 1972
Pages: 350
Origin: a tried and trusted library book
Nod Rating: 4 nods out of 5

Around four hundred years ago, Francis Bacon published a history of the reign of the first Tudor king, Henry VII. He wrote in glowing terms:

'(He is) one of the best sort of wonders: a wonder for wise men. (Henry) professed always to love and seek peace. For his arms, either in foreign or civil wars, were never unfortunate. He was of a high mind, and loved his own way; as one that revered himself, and would reign indeed. Had he been a private man he would have been termed proud: but in a wise prince, it was but keeping of distance, which indeed he did towards all; not admitting any near of full approach neither to his power or to his secrets. For he was governed by none.'

Fast forward to the 1970s and a man came forth to test the long-enduring words of Bacon; that man was S.B. Chrimes (or Stanley Bertram Chrimes to his family). It was a book worthy of much chin stroking consideration, changing the way historians looked at Henry’s reign. Unlike the book by David Starkey on Henry’s son – reviewed during January 2013 – Chrimes is keen to point out that his study is not a biography, ‘since little evidence exists for the more personal and intimate side of Henry’s life’. Therefore, the book ‘might perhaps be best described as a study of the impact of Henry Tudor upon the government of England’.

The introduction, then, sets out a manifesto against the earlier swooning phrases of Bacon and others; Chrimes lamenting how so many had fallen under the sway of Bacon’s ‘seductive prose style’. His own study is an axe to many of the flowering myths created in the seventeenth century – and Chrimes acts as willing woodsman throughout three-hundred and fifty pages of analytical prowess.

With chief focus on the administrative functions of Henry VII’s reign – by the thorough examination of existing records and files – Chrimes gives a narrative account of the events leading to the battle of Bosworth; with focus on ‘The Personnel and Machinery of Government (including the King’s Council, Financial administration and parliaments); as well as ‘Statecraft’ (including law-making and enforcement, fiscal and financial policy, and much more). All is concluded in an extended epilogue (entitled ‘The King’s Grace’) in which Henry’s own personality and legacy is considered. Furthermore, inclusion of interesting sources, ranging from Henry’s companions in exile during 1483-85 to the papal dispensation for the marriage of Henry to Elizabeth in 1486.

Chrimes highlights central themes: that of Henry’s underdog life leading up to the dramatic events of 1483 when two kings made way to the unpopular Richard III; and of the security of the many threats faced down during the reign (including the infamous imposter Perkin Warbeck); and how Henry’s policies – foreign and financial – were all geared towards protecting and cementing his throne.

In the book’s foreword, George Bernard deems Chrimes as having written ‘authoritatively, presenting his conclusions as manifest common sense.’ And it is this “common sense” approach that makes Chrimes so enjoyable. Of course, many of his conclusions have since been superseded; but Chrimes himself was aware of the limitations that he was working with. He was able to state his conclusions having considered the evidence at his disposal; whilst leaving pointers and clues to future historians willing to pick up on his work and develop it further. In this manner, Chrimes is working as the historians’ historian: furthering the knowledge of our past and sharing his own findings.

“Common sense”, then, led Chrimes to play down the novelty of Henry VII’s reign; that his Welsh-ness was exaggerated; that the threats to his reign were never big; and that laws did not make him an innovative law-maker; and his taxes and money gains were never so great as to make him a malicious, swingeing king. Such an approach can be seen in his writing:

‘Though the surviving records are sparse and inadequate, and the problems of detail probably insuperable, the difficulty of envisaging the council under Henry VII has been greatly, though unnecessarily, enhanced by historians’ misconceptions and reluctance to accept existing evidence realistically’.

The dichotomy with Bacon continues throughout the book and is brought to a head in the epilogue. Chrimes quotes Bacon in large chunks of text, attempting to establish meaning and context, as well as point out the truth: as far as any “truth” can be obtained from the surviving records and Chrimes’ own use of “common sense.” However, Chrimes’ own conclusion is fairly flattering, when considering his attempts over the previous three hundred odd pages to destroy myths:

‘In the ultimate analysis, the quality of Henry VII was not that of creator, but rather a stabiliser, for lack of whom the ships of State are apt to founder. For that quality, he stands out pre-eminent among British monarchs.’

Chrimes’ Henry VII is a definitive work; useful for historians but also with high worth as an entertaining book to the every-day reader. History as it should be researched, written and enjoyed.

Buy it here

#194 The Last Man (1826)

Author: Mary Shelley
Title: The Last Man
Genre: Novel
Year: 1826
Pages: 400
Origin: read on a Kindle
Nod Rating: 2 nods out of 5

Some books are read in a day. Some are read in a flash, in a frenzied, captivating experience. Mary Shelley’s The Last Man is not one of those books. Having come across it via a reference in Vaughan’s and Guerra’s graphic novel series Y The Last Man, the Worm thought he would take a gander and enter a new world. It was a decision he would come to regret.

Now, such regret is not pinned on the writing talent of Shelley herself. This is the same author of Frankenstein and whose stock has only risen in recent decades. The regret has more to do with the book’s themes and purpose: a trumpeting of the triumvirate that was Shelly, her husband Percy Bysshe Shelley and their mutual friend Lord Byron. Rather than the expectant apocalyptic Sci-Fi offering that was originally imagined, the Worm was given a story that could have been better served as a memoir.

The novel follows the life and adventures of Lionel Verney (Shelley herself in disguise): a man who wishes to do right in this world of the future. He befriends the son of the last king of England (yes, how we wish the monarchy of Britain may be extinguished by the late twenty-first century!) named Adrian, and together the pair discuss many philosophical matters across many years; and many pages of text for the frustrated reader. This couple – and indeed, that is what they are, the two Shelleys together – are joined by the Lord Byron a-like character, Lord Raymond.

Years pass with this friendship cemented, alongside wives and growing families – but yet, nothing of actual consequence actually happens. Rather than action, the reader is unwittingly treated to discussions on the nature of man, of monarchy and of society: all of which gets rather tedious. Especially when awaiting the climatic apocalypse and the coming forth of ‘the last man’. Eventually, even Lord Raymond tires of the domestic life and goes off in search of fame and glory in the Greek wars. Perhaps Mary Shelley herself tires of the plot and these characters, with each one snuffed out during the second and third volumes of the text. Yes, one man does survive at the book’s end: Lionel Verney.

The book is Shelley’s attempt to make sense of her own life and the untimely deaths of her husband and Byron. These biographical elements overpower any hope the novel has of standing alone and forging its own identity, unlike earlier works such as Frankenstein. Shelley remains the last man – not of a fixed gender – but rather of her generation and romantic ties. The world, as ever, is in change: the 1820s would give way to the reforming 1830s and the new Reform Act and Poor Laws, which in turn would make room for the revolutionary 1840s with the rise of the Chartists and the rebellions across Europe. Liberalism clashed with autocracy, which in turn fought hard with the rising manifestos from communists and socialists. There was little hope for earlier notions of the ideals held in such high esteem by the French revolutionists of the late eighteenth century. The ending plague that wipes out mankind is Shelley’s attempt to convey this sense of loss of the former world; with Europe standing still, ‘a monument of antique barbarism.’

The Worm’s frustration with the plot and overall context subtracts from Shelley’s talent at writing in descriptive flourishes. For example, take the opening of Verney’s story:

‘I am the native of a sea-surrounded nook, a cloud-enshadowed land, which, when the surface of the globe, with its shoreless ocean and trackless continents, presents itself to my mind, appears only as an inconsiderable speck in the immense whole; and yet, when balanced in the scale of mental power, far outweighed countries of larger extent and more numerous population. So true it is, that man’s mind alone was the creator of all that was good or great to man, and that Nature herself was only his first minister.’

However, the problem with such prose is that no matter how well constructed it is, given too large a helping with soon burst the belly of the reader.

The Last Man is a haunting novel, on what Shelley deems ‘the end of Love’. The end of her former life and the ideas once valued. But, as she also comments: ‘Yet not the end.’ Lionel Verney remains as the last character and person, but somewhat teasingly, survives and lives to tell the tale. Unfortunately, the novel is not one of Shelley’s finest. The Worm was tempted and, like Verney, lived to tell the story; but at what cost of wasted hours of joyful reading of other texts!

Further Reading
Buy it here Read it here

#193 Henry: Virtuous Prince (2008)

Author: David Starkey
Title: Henry: Virtuous Prince
Genre: Biography
Year: 2008
Pages: 390
Origin: a tried and trusted library book
Nod Rating: 3 nods out of 5

‘Henry and I go back a long way’
David Starkey

Starkey’s comment is very true; his career has been based around the Tudors and, in particular, the “big guy” of the batch: Henry VIII. This monarch served as the primary focus in Starkey’s doctorial dissertation and resulting books in both academia and popular culture; ranging from print to the TV screen. This book – Henry: Virtuous Prince – is a biography of Henry in his younger years: the duke of York who unexpectedly became Prince of Wales, before events unfolded to raise him to status of King of England before his eighteenth birthday.

So, fans of the older, fatter, evil Henry depicted in most fiction and histories are to be disappointed. The severing of wives heads is not to be found; however, Starkey is keen to point out the interesting contrast between young prince and old king:

‘This book is about the other Henry: the young, handsome prince, slim, athletic, musical and learned as no English ruler had been for centuries. This Henry loved his mother and – most unusually for a boy at the time – was brought up with his sisters, with all that implies about the civilizing and softening impact of female company. He was conventionally pious: he prostrated himself before images, went on pilgrimages and showed himself profoundly respectful of the pope as head of the church….he modelled himself on Henry V, the greatest and noblest of his predecessors. Or he would be a new Arthur with a court that put Camelot in the shade. At the least, he determined that his reign, which began when he was only seventeen and ten months old, should be a fresh start.’

Focus, then, is dedicated to his young life in – what could be described – as formulaic fashion for Starkey: the reader gets the back-story of the parents, the education and educators of Henry, the obligatory chapter on religion, as well as the influential people around him that range from his mother and sisters to the charismatic Archduke Phillip of Habsburg.

As with many of Starkey’s recent books, the research and writing has gone in tandem with a documentary television series. The writing – breezy and conversational – has all the hallmarks of a cinematic style; further shown in his willingness to shower the reader with anecdotes in the book’s introduction, and in the somewhat annoying and pointless use of extremely short sections in the book (some comprising a mere few lines). Interestingly, in the book’s end section interview, Starkey is keen to point out how he believes his writing has developed after freeing himself from academic life; as well as stating how he ‘abominate(s) the dialogue between text and footnote.’

However, Starkey’s foregoing of some of his analytical gifts appears to have done the ending of this book an injustice. The concluding chapter is one entitled ‘Wolsey’, with little coverage given – beside one paragraph - to Wolsey’s future role in defining the reign of Henry VIII. In fact, it is not an ending in the orthodox sense, considering that – like the accompanying television series – a further book is published dealing with the older Henry. Such a break may well work in the world of TV, but in the form of larger books - in which more time from the reader is usually invested – a resounding conclusion is in order.

Like the majority of Starkey’s work, the book was written under the influence of his own Tudor-brand of “beer goggles”: Starkey is keen for superlatives to flourish and to comment on his astounded wonder of this world that he has created. And, that is what it is: a Starkey creation, rather than a real grounded history. The Sunday Times remarked that this book ‘is Starkey’s masterpiece’. It certainly isn’t; and if one does exist, then perhaps Starkey’s earlier – scorned – work could be its natural home.

The reader might suspect the Worm’s hostility against Starkey; it would be foolish to deny its existence. However, the Worm has also been vocal in promoting the merits of Starkey’s work: as seen in the reading of four Starkey books in the past four years (putting him into the realm of the Big Nodders). Furthermore, Starkey’s focus on Henry’s early years is commendable; hopefully, more historians will trod this path in the future to attempt to give reasons as to the man that Henry VIII eventually became. However, as with Starkey’s other works, although the text is readable, the substance is seemingly minimal. The Worm continues his quest to find Starkey’s “masterpiece”. That is, of course, if it exists at all.

Buy Starkey's book right here

#192 Mean Time (1993)

Author: Carol Ann Duffy
Title: Mean Time
Genre: Poetry
Year: 1993
Pages: 50
Origin: a tried and trusted library book
Nod Rating: 4 nods out of 5

The Worm was first turned onto to the poetry of Carol Ann Duffy in a classroom in a time long ago in a classroom far away. The poem was ‘Valentine’. And it blew the Worm away. It begins:

‘Not a red rose or a satin heart.
I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises lightly
Like the careful undressing of love’

Before finishing:

‘I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
Possessive and faithful
As we are,
For as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
If you like.
Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
Cling to your knife.’

The poem’s refusal to play ball with the usual “roses are red” lie sold by poets from previous centuries earned immediate respect. Clearly, this was a writer who played their own game by their own set of rules.

Since that time, Duffy’s career has continued to soar (the Worm, in comparison, has gone into stagnation of writing book review after book review, in a self-imposed critical hell with no end in sight); winning the T.S. Eliot prize and being appointed poet laureate in 2009, becoming the first woman to hold the position (as well as the first openly LGBT person)). Such a role has been used to write about topical and hard-hitting subjects ranging from MPs expenses, climate change, and Afghanistan. Our paths converged once more recently in the form of Duffy’s collection of poems from the mid-1990s, Mean Time, in which ‘Valentine’ is homed.

Mean Time covers a range of issues, all related to one larger theme of the memory of things past. Love is large factor in this, as well as its many associations: the thrill of first kiss, of becoming closely knit with another, alongside lies and deceit, as well as the ultimate death of a union. There is a loose narrative, from youth and innocence right through to an older, wiser cynicism.

Alongside ‘Valentine’, particular favourites are ‘Litany’, ‘The Cliché Kid’, ‘Moments of Grace’, ‘Close’. Most spectacular of all is ‘Beachcomber’, with the narrator thinking back – as hard as possible – to earlier memories when a child on a beach:

‘this child,
And not in sepia,
Lives,
You can see her;
Comes up the beach,
Alone;
Bucket and spade,
In her bucket, a starfish, seaweed,
A dozen alarming crabs
Caught with string and a mussel.
Don’t move.
Trow.’

The memories, no matter how sparse, form; but as Duffy writes: ‘But this is a close as you get’, before concluding the poem:

‘Nearly there.
Open your eyes.
Those older, those shaking, hands cannot touch the child
Or the spade
Or the sand
Or the seashell on the shore;
And what
What would you have to say,
Of all people,
To her
Given the chance?
Exactly?’

The failure of memory is a theme that is repeatedly returned to throughout the collection, including that of the earlier stated ‘Moments of Grace’ (‘Memory’s caged bird won’t fly. These days / are we adjectives, nouns. In moments of grace / we were verbs, the secret of poems, talented.’). Furthermore, in ‘The Biographer’ Duffy writes of a person’s occupation looking at past memories of past lives that have long gone: ‘…an early daguerreotype shows you / excitedly staring out / from behind your face / the thing that made you yourself / still visibly there, / like a hood and a cloak of light.’

The first flush of love has died, to be replaced by a sceptical look of realism. This is detailed in the poem ‘Valentine’, as well as many others. Duffy comments on the lies lovers tell one another - a topic regularly used by the plethora of soap operas year after year – but depicted in a reflective, realistic light by the poet. For example, read the final verse of ‘Close’:

‘Put out the light. Years stand outside on the street
Looking up to an open window, black as our mouth
Which utters its tuneless song. The ghosts of ourselves,
Behind and before us, throng in a mirror, blind,
Laughing and weeping. They know who we are.’

Whilst the titular poem, ‘Mean Time’, ends in a similar verse:

‘But we will be dead, as we know,
Beyond all light.
These are the shortened days
And the endless nights’

Duffy’s voice is a needed one in today’s society. She is proving herself the right choice as our poet laureate, as she as shown time and again in previous collections of her poetry. Take the time to check out Mean Time and to flavour ‘Valentine’ and those lethal, scented onions.


Further Info:

Buy Mean Time right here

Find out more about Carol Ann Duffy

#191 How I Escaped My Certain Fate (2010)

Author: Stewart Lee
Title: How I Escaped My Certain Fate
Genre: Autobiography
Year: 2010
Pages: 370
Origin: Borrowed from the eclectic comedic brain of Mr Walton
Nod Rating: 4 nods out of 5

The back cover of this book has a couple of quotes highlighted in bold: ‘The most exciting comedian the country bar none’ (The Times); ‘The worst comedian in Britain, as funny as bubonic plague’ (The Sun). It takes a bold man to bring in the views of both his supporters and negative critics. Ladies and gentlemen, please introduce yourselves to Stewart Lee.

Of course, many of you are acquainted with Lee’s work already (and have had the pleasure of introducing the Worm himself). Having enjoyed some public acclaim in the 1990s – most notably as part of a duo alongside Richard Herring on the cult show This Morning With Richard Not Judy – Lee fell out of love with comedy and appeared to retire from the stage. This book charts his return to the circuit, and more than that, a rise to the peaks of British comedy as we know it today. Good comedy, that is. Therefore, dear reader, you may discount the pointless reams of “acts” on television from this small, yet quality-laden genre known as “good comedy”. Yes, you know the names; the Worm needs not point them out.

How I Escaped My Certain Fate is an odd book to categorise: autobiography, but also comedy, alongside memoir and general discussion on the limits and abilities of comedy. As its subtitle states, it is ‘The Life and Deaths of a Stand-Up Comedian’. The book contains transcripts of Lee’s fantastic shows Stand-Up Comedian (2005), 90s Comedian (2006) and 41st Best Stand-Up Ever (2008); as well as several appendices ranging from the role of music theatre to a discussion with Johnny Vegas. These shows plot out Lee’s return to comedy; a revival that has seen him win critical acclaim and a growing number of new fans.

However, the juice in this book does not come from the transcripts alone (after all, the far superior option of actually watching the shows exists in DVD form); accompanying the words of the shows are numerous and deep footnotes. These allow the casual fan to the Lee fanatic (and the Worm is assured that these must exist in a sane world) to immerse themselves in the comedy world. The genesis of the jokes are revealed, alongside much of the background politicking in BBC meetings and with venue promoters. The footnotes are of such quality they elevate the book from a well rounded 3 nodder recommendation to the dizzier heights of 4 nods.

Credit and attention is given to many of Lee’s comedy posse, including – but not isolated to - the amazing Armando Iannucci and the fantastic Simon Munnery. Lee identities himself with this duo in an attempt to maintain a sense of art and purity surrounding their work, desiring to preserve integrity and not sell-out as so many comedians have done before. Bill Hicks would be proud.

It was during the opening years of the twenty-first century when Lee fell out of love with comedy; stating in his own words ‘gradually, incrementally and without any fanfare – or even much thought – gave up being a stand-up comedian’. Attention was turned to other pursuits, before finding a spark with the show Jerry Springer: The Opera. This journey back to the comedy circuit underpins much of the shows within this book, with Lee questioning his place within this world and with discussion on the philosophy of his work. For example, the work on Jerry Springer: The Opera adds ammunition with Lee drawing on the many attacks from religious groups; to the extent of actually citing them when on the stage.

Lee’s act has been deemed an acquired taste, with many condemning or ridiculing his style and delivery (from arrogance and conceit to plain dull). One reviewer wrote: ‘His whole tone is one of complete, smug condescension’. But the comic himself regularly self-deprecates, ranging from calling himself ‘fat’ to ‘a squashed Morrissey’, as well as using many of the negative reviews (including the one stated above) to use on advertising for his shows.

To dismiss him as arrogant is to misunderstand what Lee – both the onstage version and the real person - is attempting to portray. The Worm underpins it as remaining true to oneself, of pointing out the ironies in our society and of sticking up for the little guy. One of Lee’s strongest features is the ability to defend what has ridiculed, from equality and diversity (notably his conversations with his Nan on the dominance of equality and diversity) to his routine on the hypocrisy of the Top Gear presenters (‘I wish he had been decapitated and that his head had rolled off in front of his wife… It’s only a joke!’). As one of the few voices on TV to do this, Lee should be warmly applauded.

Lee’s career continues onwards and upwards, taking in other acclaimed and – if the Worm says so himself – fantastically engaging shows: If You Prefer a Milder Comedian, Please Ask For One, and Carpet Remnant World, as well as his two TV series Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle. If any readers have yet to catch Stewart Lee on stage, please head straight to YouTube right now to become acquainted. You will not regret it.

Further Reading:
Buy it here
Stewart Lee's website